Have I Changed?

Today I am happy.

I am happy!!!
​
 
Last night my mom and I drove to Seal Beach for my niece Cora’s farewell party before she heads off to Montana for college. I always love my time with my mom. She is my best friend. And she is always honest. I braced myself when I asked her:
 
Have I changed?
 

And she thought about it and said no.
 

Part of me was surprised. Another part was relieved.
 


She explained:

You haven’t changed. You just did what you have always done when a challenge comes your way: you take it by the horns and you deal with it. You calmly take the challenge or task and you handle it. Remember when you would wait till the last minute to write your essays in college? And I would be freaking out and you would tell me it was fine, that you work best under pressure anyway. And you would do just fine and it would be amazing.

This is just another challenge. 
 

 
Earlier that evening when I was standing at the kitchen table with my back to guests, I scraped the last of the onion dip onto the crumbs of  leftover chips. And I listened to everyone. I felt separate. I tend to flow separately from the current everyone else flows in.
 

But when it comes down to it, I always have.

 
That was okay with me then. And I think I am still okay with it.


Every morning on my birthday I have woken up and expected to be different. As Matt and I said “I do” on a windy Hawaiian shore I expected a major shift to occur. When I gave birth to Calvin I expected to see with new eyes. 


Every time I was shocked at my sameness.
 

I had somehow assumed that out of all the events in my life this one would make me different. That last year I was a caterpillar and because of this I was turning into a butterfly.
 
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But maybe I was always a butterfly.
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And that makes me so happy!

Because I like who I am.


What a comfort to know that my true self cannot change.


The core of me cannot be altered.

I can learn, my heart can grow, but the true essence of who I am is a constant.
 

And as I drove the last street to my house the brightest and largest streak fell from the sky. A falling star is an occurrence that Science informs me is nothing out of the ordinary. But I don’t believe it. How could I be looking at that sky in that exact place, in that specific moment and see that glorious, surprising streak of magic? What are the chances of that?
 

It was my love.


And I laughed!!! I smiled and I felt happy!

Because I am still that girl he fell in love with.
I am the same girl that he loved to surprise.
He still loves me.
He still surprises me.
And he always will.
 

So today I feel so happy with my realization:
 

I was always a butterfly. 

I was born with wings.